


If you need a light (I'll help you find a reason to believe)

by tukimecca



Series: Everything that makes me whole (I'll dedicate them all to you) [8]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Related, Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff, Lucas is super kind, M/M, Mark is smitten, Pre-Slash, Sort Of, and troubled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 19:46:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13887873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tukimecca/pseuds/tukimecca
Summary: Mark is worried. Lucas thinks he doesn’t need to.





	If you need a light (I'll help you find a reason to believe)

**Author's Note:**

> Maracas, Sweet Lord, maracas. When people busy crying over woocas, I’m busy crying over how sweet Lucas was when he practically gave Mark a back-hug, and the POTENTIALS of their personalities together. Whoever said I ship bcs it’s major definitely doesn’t know me, I ship things out of thin air.
> 
> How do you call this ship anywyas? Makrhei? Yurk?
> 
> For lovely Nasya.
> 
> Apologize for any mistakes, timeline or place inaccuracy. Please pretend they effortlessly switched between Korean and English here. Thanks for the super, mega, awesome Ms. Smith who willingly descends into the hole or maracas with me. Have fun in Japan!

_Yeah we all fight different fights_  
_But everybody feels, everybody bleeds everybody cries_ _  
_ So whenever you need a friend, need a friend

Carry You Home - Ward Thomas

:::

Mark doesn’t know much about Yukhei save for some things he heard from Ten. Ten chatters a lot, and according to him, Yukhei does too.

According to him, Yukhei will be _good_ for him. For Mark.

Mark gives his Hyung a quizzical frown. That came out of nowhere. Ten is good judge of character; at least, Mark believes in him because he can be too naive at times, but he’s never told Mark how someone will be _good_ for him.

“Because we’re of the same age?”

“No. Just, he’s gonna be good for you.” Ten doesn’t explain more, just smiles that blinding grin of his and ruffles his hair.

Mark lets Ten baby him, pondering about his words.

Sure, he anticipates meeting Yukhei, someone no older than him, someone no younger than him but who wouldn't baby him either. They can be friends, speak comfortably with each other without any restraint of formalities. Yukhei isn’t fluent enough in Korea yet, but he can speak English, and Mark wants to help him as much as he can, like Jaehyun had helped Winwin.

He’s also heard Yukhei is a good rapper, and Mark is looking forward to working with him. He can already see him and Yukhei talking animatedly about rap, or about Justin Bieber (because he also heard Yukhei likes him too).

Ten said Yukhei is chatty, right? It should be fun, then, to have him around. Mark doesn’t have to try to fill in the silence, nor does he have to _suffer_ the burn of his dongsaengs’ jokes or his hyungs’ coddling. It’s not that he’s not grateful for the affection he gets; just, sometimes, it can be too much, too stifling, and all Mark wants to do is breathe easy and be. Him.

Maybe that’s why Ten said Yukhei is gonna be _good_ for him. It’s gotta be.

:::

He meets Yukhei - now Lucas - and he has to stop his jaw from falling to the floor, because they might be of the same age but he is almost as tall as Johnny. If he and Mark stood together, people could easily mistake him for Mark’s older brother, by several years or so.

But Lucas’ smile is so childlike, his grin is so boyish. His big, liquid-black eyes shine with innocent fervour. His voice is a jarring contrast to that; deep and raspy, carrying his accented Korean as he introduces himself.

He shakes hands with everyone after he’s formally introduced. He shakes hands with Mark. He is so much bigger than him, shoulder broader, and legs longer.

Yukhei - _Lucas -_ grins blindingly at him. Mark thinks he is like a sunflower; tall, and bright, and petals soft, tender yellow. “I’m Lucas.”

Mark might be temporarily blinded. His throat might be a little bit dry, too, but he owes it to his untimely awkwardness. His palm feels clammy, and he’s a little bit conscious of it when he accepts the offered hand. Lucas clasps it tight, doesn't seem to mind the grossly damp palm of the shorter boy. “Nice to meet you, Lucas.”

Lucas looks down on him. Black eyes reflecting Mark’s nervous expression. He _doesn't_ mind, shakes Mark’s hands, and hikes up the brightness of his smile several notches higher. “We are _chingu_!” He exclaimed, excited.

That pulls a snort out of Mark, pulls the taut strings away from his facial muscles. Laughter spills, and Mark says, with previous nervousness seeming a century away, “Bro!”

Lucas laughs back, suddenly pulls Mark into a full body hug, and Mark can feel his heart flutters.

:::

That night, Mark pretends he is not thinking of Lucas or his deep, fuzzy voice. Pretends he is not seeing those wide shoulders and infinite legs when he closes his eyes. Pretends Lucas’ laughter doesn't ring in his head like an echo of his far away summer days of childhood spent under the foreign yet homey sky of Canada. Pretends he doesn’t try to remember the feel of Lucas’ larger, warmer hand on his.

Mark lies awake under the cover, pretending.

He closes his eyes, still pretending.

:::

The new line up for their next project is announced. Mark is chosen again. His body screams at the thought of imminent exhaustion, but his heart swells with pride.

His heart immediately shudders and collapses when all the names are finished, and he realized he is chosen, _again_ , but his best friend and the other ones he thinks well-deserving of the spot aren’t.

 _Again_.

Mark tries to swallow back the guilt, reminding himself to pull everything together. Nobody is going to blame him. Nobody will hate him for _hogging_ all the spotlight. He had worked hard, but so did the others.

He’s _always_ chosen, but they aren’t.

There’s suddenly a hand on his shoulder. Tender yet firm, grounding him. It’s a weight yet it’s liberating. It’s familiar. Mark looks up to find Taeyong, and there’s a reassuring smile on his face, understanding in his eyes.

“It’s you and me again, Mark.” There’s a heaviness somewhere in his voice, but the tightening of his grip on Mark’s shoulder speaks of determination.

Taeyong _knows_. He is shouldering as much, if not more, than Mark is, and Mark’s gotta be strong for him, just like Taeyong has done for him.

Mark covers Taeyong’s hand with his own, squeezing. He smiles but it wobbles, and the softening of Taeyong’s smile says _it’s okay_.  “Gonna make the stage burn, Bro.”

Taeyong pulls him into a hug. Mark would have normally refused, because he’s not a child anymore, but this time he welcomes it, seeking strength from his brother’s warmth. He marvels at how small and frail yet so strong and sure Taeyong is. He’s the strongest man Mark has ever known.

When Mark peeks beyond Taeyong’s shoulder, he catches Lucas looking at them - _him_.

Mark ducks his head, burying his flaming face on Taeyong’s bony shoulder. The shoulder blade digs at his nose, but he doesn't care.

:::

Mark goes on with his day, pretending everything is fine. He still cannot look at Donghyuck in the face and he swears the boy is counting how many times he had awkwardly avoided looking at him.

Donghyuck doesn’t approach him until three days later, when he has his first dance practice for the new unit. Mark offers to wash the dishes because Jaehyun looks like the walking dead with the bags under his eyes, and the other Hyungs are gone with stomachs filled, leaving the dishes for the younger ones to clean.

Mark thought Donghyuck had already ran away to get back some sleep (he knew Donghyuck’d been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately), so he practically jumps out of his skin when the redhead suddenly pops out beside him.

“I’ll help,” Donghyuck says, rolling back his sleeves.

Mark’s only answer is a nod, a small, quiet _thank you_ , and passing another pair of rubber gloves to Donghyuck because the water is chilly, like the ice that’s running replacing the blood in his veins.

They do the dishes quietly without exchanging many words,save for an “ _I’m sorry_ ,” from Mark and “ _You think too much, Idiot,_ ” from Donghyuck, and the younger pulls Mark into a hug after they’re out of their gloves, plates and bowls and utensils squeaky clean on the drying rack.

The gloves sit there on the bottom of the sink, watching the boys hugging, watching as Mark cries onto Donghyuck’s much smaller shoulder and clings onto his back.

It feels like forgiveness, except Mark doesn’t even know what he pleads innocent for.

:::

Mark ended up showing up to practice late. He also sports red eyes that he tries to hide with his cap pulled low.

Out of all people, it’s gotta be Lucas who noticed. Lucas also doesn't know him well enough to leave him alone, and he doesn't try to be discreet at all when he follows Mark to the sitting room adjacent to the spacious hall they use to train.

Mark is dumping his bag on the sofa when Lucas asks, concern caressing his accented vowels, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Mark idly wonders if Lucas would sound just as worried in his native language. He turns around, finding Lucas practically pouring all his attention onto Mark, brows creased with concern and curiosity.

He doesn't need this now. He needs to get moving, get working, get his mind out of things with productive distraction. He appreciates this simple act of kindness, but right now, with all the guilt weighing him down, it’s a stinging slap to his face. It’s not him who’s in the need of kindness now, it’s the others; _his_ brothers. Not Lucas’ brothers, not yet.

The thought suddenly fills him with irrational anger. He knows it’s wrong, knows he shouldn’t dump it all on Lucas, who has zero fucking idea of what’s going on. Mark should be guiding him, helping him since they’re same-aged friends and he has tons of experience in their line of work compared to Lucas. Behind that laidback-looking face is probably a whirlpool of agitation: this will be Lucas’ first time on stage, and he’s not as _lucky_ as Mark was to have the opportunity to getting used to being stage before his official debut.

All the more reason why there’s no reason in telling Lucas what’s _happening_ , what’s been chipping the edge of Mark’s sanity away. Lucas wouldn’t - _can’t_ \- understand. Lucas hasn’t spend 5 years with all these people, whom Mark considered as his own blood brothers, to be able to _understand_.

Lucas wouldn’t be able to understand because he hadn’t seen them cry, hadn’t seen them break down with exhaustion, hadn’t seen them tormented by the thought of not getting anywhere.

Mark tells himself that all these thoughts are ridiculous, because of course Lucas might have not seen them, but he had probably experienced the same thing. They underwent the same rigorous training, after all, and Lucas might have seen some people he considered brothers leave one by one, too.

Yet, another part of him roars back, anger clouding his judgement, that Lucas should just go away and mind his own fucking business because there’s no way he can understand. He’s a stranger, he is not living in the same world that he and his brothers are living in. A newcomer, _an intruder_. He’s threatening to break everything that Mark has carefully built together with his brothers.

In the end, Marks finds himself losing to his anger. The better part of him, who keeps on trying to bring him back to his senses, is on his knees and cowering in shame at his actual self.

“It’s nothing,” Mark huffs out his answer, his voice coming out clipped. He’s not looking at Lucas, seeking shelter beneath his cap.

“Doesn't look like nothing to me,” Lucas switches into English, presses on, insistent. _Worried_. Mark should be touched someone he barely knows is showing this much concern for him.

Mark should be, except he is the last person that anyone should be concerned for.

“I saw your eyes. They’re red. If you-"

“I said it’s nothing, god damn it!” Mark snaps, then immediately slaps his mouth shut with both palms, eyes widening in horror as he realizes that now everyone is looking at him and Lucas.

Lucas who blinks at him, both arms raised in front his chest as if surrendering, looking both guilty and taken aback. “I. Okay. Sorry. It’s cool, bro.”

 _Except it isn't_ , Mark thinks, pulling his cap even lower to hide his face. He shouldn't act like this, so childish. He should act more like a grown up; he’s 20 years old this year, for God’s sake. Mark feels the disappointment starting to drown him. He can already feel Taeyong’s reprimanding gaze on him, too.

As if on cue, the leader calls out to them, voice loud and stern. “Yah, get over here, quick! This is our first day of practice, stop fooling around.”

“Sorry, Hyung!” Mark apologizes, and he hopes Taeyong catches his genuine apology. The redhead probably does, but this is Taeyong, and even if he treats Mark like he is his own son, he is their leader still and he prioritizes discipline over everything.

“Mark-" Lucas tried, but before he can continue further, Mark cuts him.

He shakes his head, eyes still nowhere near the taller boy. Mustering as much as sincerity he can, Mark _pleads,_ “sorry. Just, leave it.”

Lucas doesn't say anything. Or maybe he does, but Mark doesn’t hear him. Doesn't give himself a chance to hear for he walks away the moment the last syllable leaves his mouth.

Mark promised himself he’d help Lucas. They’re both of the same age. They are both rappers. They both have an interest in Justin Bieber and could probably have a long, hilarious conversation about him.

He breaks the promise before it even started. It’s laughably easy.

:::

Mark tries to avoid Lucas but it proves to be near impossible since Taeyong seems to notice the tension between them and tells Mark to _fix whatever mess you created before it destroy the team_ by having him monitor Lucas.

“But, Hyung-"

“He is your friend, he can speak English, it’ll be easier for him,” Taeyong says, his eyes on Winwin, analysing his move for anything he can improve like hawk honing in on its prey. “He needs to restrain his moves, they’re too big, and he’s big. It’s good to project the vibe of the song, but it can attract attention away from the other members who’re smaller than him, and can look messy.”

“Winwin-hyung can speak Chinese,” Mark argues, pouting. He also gives Taeyong his best puppy eyes for full effect, but when Taeyong answers it with his own deadpan look, Mark knows he’s got no hope.

“Mark.”

Failed and dejected, Mark sighs an, “okay, Hyung. I’ll do my best,” then carries his legs to where Lucas is, apparently, waiting for him, sitting cross-legged on the floor with his impossibly huge and curious eyes trained on Mark.

He is not even bothering to hide it. _Jerk_.

“My hero _,”_ Lucas beams his best grin at Mark, and it gets the smaller boy temporarily blinded, _again_. Sighing, Mark wonders if he will ever get over Lucas’ seemingly hazardous smile. It’s actually silly that he’s still got his heart beating a million miles an hour over how dazzling Lucas is, because he’s supposed to be annoyed at him.

Actually, Mark is supposed to be apologizing to him for his rude behaviour earlier.

“Taeyong-hyung said I need to work on _,_ ” he makes a difficult looking face, pausing to find the right words of the language he’s not familiar with, “keeping...my moves _,_ ” Lucas cracks his neck left and right, exposing the long column of his golden skin for Mark’s eyes to feast on.

“The word is _restraining_ ,” he helps, quickly looking away to a random spot above Lucas’ head, suddenly feeling thousands of times guiltier.

“And you’re a perfect fit for that, he said. So, _”_ the taller boy extends his hand, and it reminds Mark so much of their first meeting - or rather; the first time they spoke to each other. Lucas’ grin today is as brilliant as it was back then, and his palm must be as warm as it was, too. “Help me?”

Mark had promised he’d help him, Lucas - Wong Yukhei, Wong Xuxi - he goes with so many names, yet a mention of them will only draw an image of sunflower field in Mark’s head. Sparkling blue sky. Soft, yellow petals. A drop of gold shining on the sky. There’s also children’s laughter. Careless. So free.

He remembers what Ten had told him; Yukhei is gonna be _good_ for him.

Is this it? Is _this_ how Lucas is gonna do him _good_?

Lucas still has his hand in the air, large palm splayed open. His eyes are wide, earnest and huge. They’re no longer curious, just pleading like child asking for candy. Like this, he looks impossibly young even. Like this, it finally dawns on Mark that they’re barely 9 months apart in age.

It should be easier for Mark to deal with him than Jungwoo, who’s a year older than him, or the younger ones like Renjun and Chenle. Yet, somehow, it’s a lot more difficult with Lucas. How weird. Is the lack of barrier that he thought would make everything easier actually making everything more challenging?

 _Not too much, not too little. Control. Restrain_.

Like Lucas’ excessive movements, it’s something surprisingly tricky to control, and so is making friends. So is making a relationship with someone. The bond he has with his _brothers_ wasn’t easy to make either, but maybe everything is meant to be started from rough place.

“Mark.” Lucas wiggles his fingers, pouting. It looks ridiculously mismatched on him because he is 180 cm tall and a little bit more. His shoulders are wider than Johnny’s and Mark has seen enough pre-debut photos to know the impressive set of muscles he hides beneath his clothes. “Please?”

The childlike expression he dons right now feels like a joke. It also feels like he’s mocking Mark for his miserable attempt at Taeyong previously. Maybe Lucas had seen the exchange, and wants to tease him, purely out of mischief, because Lucas is one playful fella with a boisterous laugh and gestures as big as his stature.

If he did see, however, Mark can only wish he doesn’t know that Mark was practically begging Taeyong to keep Lucas away from him. All the more reason why he must make it up to Lucas. The taller boy has done nothing wrong, just been worried, concerned about his friend’s well-being, and Mark returned his good-will with a childish tantrum. He thought he had broken the promise he made to himself, but maybe this is it, this is Mark’s chance for redemption.

Lucas is still wiggling his fingers, and he’s still pouting too. Mark stares at the long fingers, thinks about how warm and sure they were when clasped around his own. How much _bigger_ and how fast Mark’s heart had ran at the simple yet scalding touch. With a small, restrained sigh, Mark puts his hand on top of the waiting palm. “Come ‘ere, let’s get something done with those limbs of yours.”

He jumps a little when Lucas laughs; loud and clear, like waves crashing into the shore. Refreshing and brilliant. “My hero!”

Lucas also jumps into standing position, making Mark stumble at the shift of balance. He steadies Mark by pulling him into another one-armed hug, and his laugh now tickles Mark’s ear, touch sears Mark’s skin. He’s completely oblivious to the red staining Mark’s cheeks, and equally unaware of how Mark is just _staring_ at his animatedly moving face as he struggles through his unpolished Korean about the certain part he’s having difficulties with.

Lucas doesn’t let go until they’re in position, standing across Mark, ready to demonstrate his move. Still, the warmth remains, and Mark finds himself struggling, both to observe Lucas to find the part he can fix and to school his own erratically beating heart.

:::

Lucas is surprisingly easy to deal with. It’s definitely not as difficult as Mark had dreaded it would be.

Mark doesn’t even have time to ponder whether it’s blessing or a curse because now Lucas is practically stuck to his side - sweaty skin to sweaty skin - as he narrates a hilarious episode from his childhood with overly exaggerated expressions and Mark is too busy admiring how Lucas managed to tell everything without cracking up himself because Mark is practically doubled over already with how much he’s laughing.

Lucas is loud, and he is also very chatty. Everything is just like how Ten has described him to be, except Ten missed informing Mark how touchy Lucas could be. His hand will somehow find itself on Mark’s shoulder, Mark’s thigh. Sometimes even casually slung around his shoulder and if their heights were similar, Mark could have found himself and Lucas cheek to cheek, not only skin to skin.

Mark surprised himself by acting all unbothered about it. Actually, it brought him some relief. Maybe he’s not _that_ conscious of Lucas, it’s just the matter of being used to or not, and since he and Lucas are relatively new to each other, Mark did find his touches _foreign_.

Also, he couldn’t 100% say he is not _that_ conscious of the taller boy with the many times he had managed to exhibit his incompetence in talking. He stuttered too much for his liking. Right, he’s supposed to be the fluent ones between them, not Lucas.

Not that Lucas is that good either where Korean is concerned, but at least he’s got his lack of experience in the language to justify himself in that department. Mark’s got a whole bloodline and 5 years of actually living in Korea to fail his cause.

He’d argue it’s not completely his fault either, exactly where he’d fail yet another of his claims about Lucas. He might be _that_ conscious of the guy because he’s still got his tongue tied whenever Lucas laughs that boisterous loud laugh of his, or even just with something as simple as looking straight at Mark’s eyes when he talks.

Lucas also switches effortlessly easily between serious and playful, as if he got a switch somewhere. He’s still charming in both, when his gaze is razor sharp comparing his and Mark’s movements in the mirror, or when he grins so wide that Mark completely forgets that Lucas looks nothing like the other 99-born idols he’s had ever seen.

He cracked a joke or two during practice, but eventually stopped after getting scolded by Taeyong for fooling around too much. Lucas had looked guilty but Mark ensured him it’s okay, then, the two got themselves working until their muscles cried out and burnt with fatigue.

They both called it quits, sat side by side with the cool mirror behind them, watching in wonder at how Taeyong kept on going alone even though the others are practically sprawled dead here and there, Doyoung having excused himself earlier, probably half-asleep on the couch of the resting room by now.

“He’s great,” Lucas said, or rather; half wheezed.

Mark nodded, his voice sounding equally weak. “That’s Taeyong-hyung for you.” He took his water, unscrewed it, and offered it to Lucas. “Water?”

Lucas lit up like the gigantic christmas trees they put out in front of shopping centers. Mark is blinded. Again. It’s getting tiring now. He wished he could put a huge mozaic over Lucas’ stupidly charming face so he didn’t have to worry about the health of his eyes.

He drank, from Mark’s bottle. Mark was too busy watching Taeyong’s graceful yet sharp movements to think about the loud noise Lucas made as he drank straight from _his_ bottle. He also convinced himself he’s not _distracting_ himself.

The _watching Taeyong not to distract himself_ worked for the most part, because Taeyong’s captivating as usual, and Lucas return to his mind until he started telling Mark about one hilarious episode from his childhood. And here they are now, Mark gasping for air from all the laughing while Lucas continues to make stupid faces, rendering Mark’s effort fruitless.

They pay too much attention to each other, less to the their surroundings. It isn’t until Jaehyun comes over to them, sweat already drying and hair plastered to the side of his face, dark circles heavy under his eyes, “Mark, Lucas. It’s fine, we can leave already. Thanks for today.”

“Thanks, Hyung,” Mark smiles at him, grateful. Also, concerned. “Rest well, ‘kay? You’re not looking,” he circles his own face with his finger, “good. Tired.”

Jaehyun ruffles his hair, smile as soft as his eyes. “You too, Kiddo.”

Then, the elder goes to fetch his bag, Winwin trudging behind him. He exchanges something with Lucas in Chinese, but Mark can only pick up praise and encouragement, completely lost to the rest. He’s used to hearing the words spoken, having Renjun and Chenle in his team, but it doesn’t mean he can understand what they mean. The two Chinese guys high-five each other, and Winwin leaves them too, with Lucas waving him goodbye.

Soon, it’s only the two of them and Taeyong in the dancing room. Taeyong might not look like he’s leaving anytime soon but Mark knows his Hyungs well enough to know that Jaehyun will emerge with Taeyong’s bag in tow before dragging their leader to leave - or at least get him to eat something before Taeyong finds another empty practice room to sneak into.

“So,” Lucas doesn’t nudge his elbow to get his attention, no; he plops his head on top of Mark’s, making the smaller boy’s heart ricochet wildly in the casket of his ribcage. “You and me?”

“What?”

“Ramyun. Chicken. Snacks,” he still has his head on Mark’s, cooling skin engraving trail of blaze on Mark’s. “I’m famished. What do you think?”

Mark, in fact, cannot think. He just stares blankly ahead, eyes wide. His heartbeat is so loud he can practically hear it, but Lucas doesn’t seem to notice.

He just casually slings his arm around Mark’s shoulder and pulls him even closer, “aww, are you scared of the manager? ‘S okay, some won’t hurt. We just have to pick them carefully, the ones with least calories,” he whispers giddily. Into Mark’s ear.

Mark cannot think, he even forgets about his manager. His brain has ceased functioning completely. Lucas is too close, not for comfort. Definitely not, because Mark is not comfortable with this proximity.

No. It’s the other way around, actually.

This is why Mark cannot say he is not _that_ conscious of Lucas, not when the guy gets all touchy like he and Mark have known each other their whole life and causes Mark to lose control of himself altogether.

“So, you and I? Mark?”

 _You and I_ . It shouldn’t carry another connotation. It doesn’t have any different meaning. Mark knows it. Mark tells himself he’s being silly. But Lucas is close, _too close_ , and he cannot think of any other way he could have meant it.

And he is starting to think of how _nice_ it could be under those many different circumstances.

“I. Okay.”

Lucas beams down on him, like the sun. This time, Mark thinks he doesn’t mind, getting blinded.

:::

They ended up not getting any fatty or greasy snacks in the end because Mark overhears Taeyong telling Jaehyun he wants to practice a little more, and it makes Mark feels self-conscious on top of being guilty. When he’s all excited over getting a new friend - whom he’s also overly conscious of  - Taeyong is working twice as hard as anyone, as usual.

Jaehyun is looking disapprovingly at their leader, no doubt worried for his well-being. Nobody gets all worked up about Taeyong’s health more than Jaehyun and with how hard Taeyong has been working himself lately with the many schedules they put him in, Mark cannot blame Jaehyun.

He steps in before another unnecessary argument grew (he always thinks it’s hilarious how Jaehyun and Taeyong can practically talk with their eyes only, but then they’d fight over something like this, and everyone has to suffer the consequences), reassuring Jaehyun that he’ll stay as well and make sure Taeyong isn’t forcing himself. Jaehyun still doesn’t look happy, but Mark musters his best puppy eyes, and Taeyong twines his fingers with Jaehyun’s, giving them a tight squeeze and his own pleading look that gets Jaehyun sighing in defeat.

“Just. Don’t overdo it, okay? You still have another practice with Ten-hyung, Hyung,” Jaehyun is almost begging Taeyong by this point, he looks all upset and worried. Mark has no doubt if he didn’t have any NNN recordings, he’d stay behind just to watch over their leader. “And eat. I don’t care, you gotta eat,” he turns to Mark, threat all over his face and voice. “Make sure he eats.”

Mark gulps: he’s rarely seen Jaehyun like this, only a couple of times, a number he can count with his fingers. Every single time, it never ceases to amaze him how quickly Jaehyun can turn from intimidating to soft ball of sunshine. “Yes, Hyung. Leave it to me. Me and Lucas, we’re thinking of cooking something, actually,” Mark seeks for Lucas’ confirmation, turning to the taller boy who’s blinking awkwardly at the three of them. “Right, Lucas?”

“Yeah! Food. I’m hungry,” he rubs his belly for emphasis. “Me and Mark, we’re gonna cook,” he tops that with a grin.

That seems to work, combined with Taeyong practically whining, “Jaehyunnie...” like five years old, and the brunette eventually gives in.

Jaehyun tugs on their joined hands, bringing Taeyong closer to him, and says, honeyed voice dripping with affection and worry. “Take care, Hyung. Promise me you’ll be home before NNN starts?”

“I promise,” the red-head answers. He smiles, tired eyes crinkling in the corners with appreciation.

Jaehyun gives him tight-lipped smile, and then with so much regret in his voice and movements, he lets go of Taeyong’s hand, bidding his goodbye, “I’m off then, see you later, Taeyongie-hyung.”

If there was no Mark or Lucas, if there was nobody witnessing them, would Jaehyun hug him? Would Jaehyun kiss him? Mark cannot help but wonder. Their relationship isn’t something he’s privy to, but Mark has known them long enough to notice when something started to change between the two of his most beloved brothers. He never asks, they never tell, and despite his growing curiosity, Mark respects their decision of secrecy. For now. Maybe, one day they will comfortable enough to tell everyone what is happening between them.

Mark watches Jaehyun walks away, watches Taeyong’s shoulder sag down with the relief of not having anyone on his back, but he also looks lonely, staring longingly at Jaehyun’s fading figure. The further he goes, the lower the curve of his mouth falls. Mark catches his hand in his, giving a reassuring squeeze, and to Taeyong’s dawning expression, the brightest smile he can muster.

“Anything you wanna eat, hyung?”

“Hmm,” Taeyong’s smile at him is soft and weary. Serene like silver moon hanging alone on the night sky. Lonely.

“We’re actually thinking of chicken but I don’t think manager-hyung will appreciate that,” Mark adds, trying to sound as cheerful as possible. “Maybe we’ll check on the kitchen and see if they have anything, I don’t know, _ramyun_ , maybe? Right, Lucas?”

“ _Ramyun_ . Yeah, I can do that,” Lucas confirms, nodding enthusiastically while beaming that dazzling smile of his. “Taeyong-hyung, how do you like your _ramyun_? Spicy? Sweet?”

Lucas’ energy seems to rub off on Taeyong, and on Mark too, he can feel the corner of his lips kicking upward. Despite the previous sombre mood, Lucas is so excited, his large eyes glittering at the thought of food. He’s so simple, like a child. Despite his big stature, his mood makes him like he’s the youngest one among the three of them.

“Mark likes it on the bland side,” Taeyong says.

“Hyung!?” Mark whines, flustered. Lucas barks out laughing, merry and amused. It elicits a giggle from Taeyong’s lips, and the sight of Taeyong not looking like he’s got the whole world on his shoulder makes Mark happy, so he lets this one slide. “I like it not too spicy and not too sweet, thank you.”

“That means bland,” the tallest boy switches his expression into thoughtful one, of course exaggerated with his bottom lips jutted forward, one brow arched high, and eyes closed, nodding to himself like he’s finally drawing a conclusion.

“That means normal, dumbo,” Mark huffs in annoyance, not meaning it one bit. He’s just glad that his Hyung is feeling better and if it requires him playing the fool, he’d be happy to do it.

“I’m sorry my Korean is bad,” Lucas fakes a cry this time, and Taeyong eventually lets his laughter slip from his mouth. Mark feels like the dead weight has been lifted from his stomach, Taeyong sounds happy. Taeyong _is_ happy. As long as he is feeling fine, Mark believes he can be too; _fine_.

He doesn’t think anyone can understand, why Taeyong’s happiness matters to him. Sure, everyone’s matters too; Donghyuk’s, Jaehyun’s, Jeno’s. Their happiness matter to Mark but Taeyong’s is something he regards on higher pedestal than the others.

Not for the reason that Taeyong is his favorite Hyung or anything, but because he and Taeyong are so much alike. They’re both leaders, they’re both pushed so much by their company, they have so many things on their plates and much if not even more on their shoulders. It’s a selfish reason, really, because if Taeyong can bear the burden, it makes Mark believe that he can do it too.

It’s selfish. It’s pathetic. He’s trying this hard to cheer Taeyong up not for Taeyong’s benefit, but for his own. Maybe he’s feeling guilty toward his other members for the exact same reason too; so that he doesn’t have to be the evil who hogs everyone’s chance and attention.

Lucas is saying something to Taeyong, pausing here and there, Taeyong fixing it for him. Patient, smiling. He listens to anything Lucas is saying with earnest, exhaustion still lining his features, but he doesn’t look lonely anymore.

Lonely. Does Mark feel lonely? Having to promote in yet another unit without his best friend?

“Come on, Mark. Let’s check the kitchen!” Lucas calls out to him, jerking his head toward the direction he believed to be where the kitchen is.

Lucas. If Mark befriends him, is it for another selfish reason - that is, to ease away his loneliness? Not because he genuinely wants to be close to someone named Wong Yukhei? Huang Xuxi?

 _Friend_ , Mark hears someone chuckling ironically in his head. mocking.

Is _friend_ even what he wants to be with him at all?

:::

“You’re thinking,” Lucas starts, breaking the silence that’s been stretching between the two of them for probably ten minutes or so.

They’re in the kitchen, watching the red soup boiling, waiting for their meal. They’re lucky enough to find servings for three, and Lucas said he usually eats one and a half, but Mark ensured him Taeyong won’t eat that much anyways so he could probably ask him for half his portion.

He actually beamed at that. What a child.

“I’m not,” is Mark’s answer. He frowns, still, and actually think because he genuinely didn’t expect Lucas to pop this question. At all. The little scuffle aside, Lucas had stopped showing any sign of interest whatsoever, so Mark thought he’s safe.

Apparently not. Lucas nudges him with his elbow, he sounds foreignly serious. “You are. About Taeyong-hyung. Was he the one bothering you this morning, too?”

“It wasn't him,” Mark ended up blurting out his answer, damn his honesty. They said it’s a gift, he thinks it’s a curse. He’s rubbish at lying.

“So, it wasn’t him?” The bowl makes a loud bubbling sound, Lucas reaches out to turns the heat down until it’s simmering. “Must be someone important. You were crying.”

“I wasn’t,” Mark denies, but he can conclude from the withering look Lucas is giving him, he’s not doing a great job at it. He can already imagine, he must be looking miserable right now.

“You’re so bad at it, you know?”

Mark purses his lips together, berating himself mentally.

He just can’t do it, lying, why must it be so hard? Whatever he feels, they will show up on his face. Taeyong says he and Jaehyun are so alike in this department, but he begs to differ; Jaehyun can lie when he needs to, he’s even good enough to fool Taeyong sometimes (even though Jaehyun will end up telling Taeyong anyways out of guilt).

Mark can’t. His guilt will end up seeping into his face, painting it with the color of truth, and by the end of his measly attempt of denial, he’ll confess the supposed secret himself. That’s his charm, according to Donghyuck, but when Donghyuck, who’s younger than him, someone he’s supposed to protect, can keep a secret from Mark, it makes him feel weak, powerless.

He is just a step behind, in anything, in maturing, in growing up. He hates the feeling, realizing now even Jeno no longer shares his dilemmas with him, and Donghyuck can straight out lie to him through his teeth. When it’s no longer Mark they seek comfort from but someone else, it hurts. He’s been doing this, being their older brother, for so long. They used to depend on him, his brothers, but now that Mark is supposedly growing older, legally entering adulthood, he feels as powerless as ever. He feels lonely, lonelier than he ever been.

Will they even depend on him? Someone who left them behind? Mark is chosen, _again_ . His brothers are not, _again_.

Donghyuck said he is an idiot for thinking too much, but it was the same Donghyuck who cried at Jaehyun, voicing out how upset he was at the situation last night. He knew Donghyuck wasn’t blaming him, Donghyuck wasn’t blaming anybody, but Mark cannot help but feel guilty, feeling like he bears the responsibility of making Donghyuck cry.

If it wasn’t him, if it was Donghyuck who was chosen, wouldn't there be no reason for Donghyuck to cry?

Mark is very bad at lying, at keeping secrets. They’re torturing him now, emotion bubbling over like the soup in the pot. He’s gotta tell it, gotta tell someone. Usually, it’s Donghyuck or Taeyong or Johnny or Jaehyun, but now, they’re out of the question for obvious reasons.

And here is Lucas, asking, waiting. Seems eager to help. Mark doesn’t know much about him, save for the hilarious stories he shares, and he smiles like summer. Can he keep Mark’s secret? Can he help Mark out from the trap of his own mind?

 _You think too much, Idiot_ , he heard Donghyuck’s words, except it suspiciously sounds like his own. _Stop thinking and tell me; tell him!_

Is Lucas’ help is what he wants? Or is freedom from this crippling thought of his what he actually needs?

“Mark?”

“It’s stupid,” the words spill, honesty a cracked, dulling pearl.

Lucas picks it up, cradles it gently in his hand. Damaged yet still precious, like Mark and his problem. “Everybody is stupid.”

That gets Mark chuckling, “we should get the _ramyun_ first,” he gestures to the boiling pot. “I’ll tell you later.”

“Promise?” Lucas holds him with his gaze, not doubtful, just confirming, and they’re two different things.

There’s no accusal there, no belittling his worry, and that’s what Mark needs now even though he didn’t realize it. It’s just so easy now, to talk, to breathe. He is actually eager, he wants Lucas to know everything, about his fear, his worry. He needs them out.

He cannot wait. He is so bad at lying and thinking about difficult things alone. He is used to talking, sharing his problem, discussing a solution, then tackling the problem head on.

Mark barely knows Lucas. He knows Lucas is loud, hilarious, and is a gigantic ball of endless energy. He is like an overgrown puppy, bright-eyed and always enthusiastic. Mark doesn’t think he can deny him, even if it’s just for something as trivial as a promise to talk his problem out . He still doesn’t know if Lucas can actually help him, but Ten said Lucas will be _good_ for him, and a logical part of him says this can be his first step into becoming Lucas’ _actual_ friend.

Mark gathers his courage; whatever the outcome is, what he needs to do for now is take the first step. There’s no use in worrying, alone -look at where it brought him now?

Taking a deep breath, Mark meets Lucas’ eyes. Summoning his most convincing smile, Mark says, “I promise.”

:::

Truthfully, Mark doesn’t know if talking about something serious - as serious as his problem goes - over bowls of _ramyun_ is a wise thing to do. But adults do go to bars and such to talk about _life,_ they have alcohol there, Mark and Lucas are adults too but they don’t have alcohol with them, just bowls of _ramyun_ for each, and it’s probably fine.

They’d asked Taeyong earlier what to do with his portion, and Taeyong said it’s okay to leave it on the pot, he’ll get it later, and yes, Lucas can get half of his. Mark made him promise to get around before it clocks seven, then walked back to the kitchen to eat with Lucas eagerly talking about how he loves to put sausage or meat into his _ramyun_.

Now, Mark has Lucas half-bowed over the table in front of him, taking a huge slurp of hot noodles.

And they’re supposed to talk about Mark’s worries.

 _Really_.

“So,” Lucas suddenly speaks, startling Mark from his thoughts. “What’s getting you all cranky and knocked up?”

Mark scrunches his nose. “I’m not cranky.”

He receives a pointed look, “you were pissy that I asked you this morning.”

“That, I’m sorry,” his cheeks heat up in shame. “That’s very childish of me, shouldn't put it on you.”

“You were pissy.”

He’s not winning this: Lucas is stubborn as a mule. Besides, this is not a competition. This is Mark sharing his problem with Lucas in hope that Lucas can offer an actual solution. “Let’s just say I was, and I’m sorry I was being a jerk.”

“ _Jerk,”_ Lucas nods as if agreeing, and Mark doesn’t know if he should be offended or not. “ _Our angel, Mark, what caused you to turn into jerk?”_

“ _I’m not an angel_ ,” Mark almost bristles at that. With disparaging tone, he spits out, “angels don’t steal people’s things.”

Lucas raises a quizzical brow, he licks a stray droplets clean from the corner of his lips, leaning forward, “did they catch you?”

 _“What?”_ Mark actually blinks in confusion at that one.

“Stealing,” Lucas goes several notes lower, his voice coming out deeper and huskier.

_“Oh my God, no, no, no. Do you seriously think I steal things?”_

The taller boy sags back in his chair, letting out a dramatic sigh of relief, and he clutches his left chest, looking actually relieved that Mark wasn’t doing anything illegal. “Oh man, can’t imagine the disaster if you really did. People will be like, you know, NO WAY??? OUR MARK??? OUR ANGEL MARK???”

Mark finds laughter bubbling in the base of his throat, and he tries to keep it in, but Lucas continues to make a hilarious monologue of people finding out Mark doing, well, _illegal_ things. Needless to say, he fails. One, two, three, then he erupts into laughter, losing it when Lucas does an impressively accurate impression of a scandalized Johnny.

Lucas doesn’t stop there, he goes on mimicking everyone; Doyoung, Yuta, even Taeil - who he apparently knows very little about since his impression of Taeil being surprised is him singing _appado gwenchana_ in loud, unnecessarily vibrating, high-pitched voice. Not to mention he’s off key _all the time_ he sings.

“You need to,” Mark wheezes, slipping back into Korean and can only pray Lucas understands. “Practice singing.”

“And you need to tell me what’s bothering you,” Lucas stops joking, suddenly sounding serious. So serious, and very concerned. “Honestly, I don’t know if I can help, but from my experience, I know just talking about it can help.”

“To some degree, yeah,” Mark admits with a nod, simmering his laughter into chuckle.

It’s amazing that Lucas can switch from being a clown to _this_. It’s even more amazing when he realizes Lucas’ joke was his way of easing Mark off from his tension. He appreciates it, really, so he will speak now to answer Lucas’ effort.

“You know this, BOSS, is gonna be my 8th comeback, or something, right?”

“Absolutely, fully capable, Mark for you, _”_ Lucas starts digging back into his meal, but Mark knows he’s listening.

“I’m feeling guilty, about it.” Lucas frowns, confusion clear as day on his face. “There are other members, like Donghyuck, or Jeno. Even Johnny-hyung or Yuta-hyung. But it’s me. Again. Why...”

Mark trails off. Lucas twirls his noodle around his chopstick but doesn’t eat it, he just stirs it around, “that’s what you meant with _stealing_?”

“Aren’t I?”

All he receives from Lucas is an incredulous expression. “You really think that?”

“I do, and I do feel silly for even thinking like this. But. I do, I feel guilty. I feel like it’s my fault, how can’t I not when it’s always me but not anyone else? If there’s one team without me then I’ll feel less guilty, but no, there’s none so far, and I can’t help feeling the way I do. I’m-"

“You’re not in the next line up, it’s Ten-hyung and Taeyong-hyung,” Lucas points out.

“Yeah, but it’s different. It’s dance unit, it’s meant for dancer.”

“So, it’s not always you.”

“ _Yes_ , _I know_ ,” Mark hisses, “but it’s a dance unit, okay? It’s meant for dancers, not _everyone_ can participate. But this? BOSS? It’s not specifically designed for any position, like, like _WITHOUT YOU_ ? and _TENDE_ ? are for vocalist, but _BOSS_ isn’t, technically, anyone can get in. Johnny-hyung, Donghyuck, Jeno. Heck, even Jaemin can, he should be. Everyone missed him, this will be a great chance for him to comeback and greet his fans.”

“You know they cannot rap like you do, right?”

Mark opens his mouth to speak, closes it again because the only thing he can say in response to that question is, _yes, I know. They can't._ Instead, he says, “they can switch the rap to singing or something. It can work with more vocal.”

“Then it wouldn’t be the same song, wouldn’t be the same direction the producer is going after,” Lucas takes eventually takes another bite of his meal. He chews quickly, watching Mark intently while doing so.

Mark, who remains mum because he can understand where Lucas is going.

“You know it, right?”

“But Donghyuck isn’t even in a vocal unit, and he barely gets any lines either,” Mark mumbles.

“Donghyuck got Dream, and you are going off topic,” Lucas points the chopsticks to Mark’s face, which is rude, and he realizes. He apologizes, looking ashamed as he cringes at himself. “Sorry, sorry. Shouldn’t have done that. I thought we’re talking about you feeling guilty about being in this unit?”

“We are, and I think someone else deserves the spot including Donghyuck-"

“And anyone else who doesn’t have a _Mark_ in his name, which means anybody else but you.”

Mark stares down at his bowl of _ramyun,_ it’s still full, he hasn’t taken a single bite of it. It’s probably going soggy already, he should eat it soon before it gets too mushy to eat. “I don’t understand why it’s gotta be me, why not someone else who hasn’t had their chance to shine? To show what they’re actually capable of.”

“Like I said, they cannot rap like you do.”

“Then change the rap to vocal, or-"

“Mark, we talked about this already,” Lucas rolls his eyes. “Or, what? You want them to swap someone from the vocal line? Doyoung-hyung? Jaehyun-hyung? Or Jungwoo-hyung?”

“That’s-"

“Me?”

“No, damn it. No! Not you, not Jaehyun-hyung or Doyoung-hyung, not Jungwoo-hyung either! You guys deserve it, you have worked so hard for this comeback, this debut. You guys all worked hard, hard enough to deserve this spot. This stage, the spotlight. It’s not. You are-"

“Didn’t you?”

“Didn’t I what?”

“Work hard,” Lucas leans forward. Dark eyes gleaming with sincere curiosity. ”Didn’t you? As hard as anyone else, if not more? Worked hard throughout the year with barely any break? Both for solo and group activity?”

Mark runs away from Lucas’ gaze. A sad, feeble attempt at running away because Lucas had hit him, bull’s eyes, and Mark is bleeding from the shot. “I. I wasn’t-"

“If you used how hard we have worked as indicator, then I don’t see any reason why you’re less deserving of this spot in this unit than the others. I’ve watched you, Mark. You have worked. Hard, last year, this year. Sometimes it’s difficult to believe that you’re the same human like I am, if I were you, I’d be dropping down dead in some alley somewhere in this building,” he twirls his wrist, making circle with his palm. “It’s amazing to know someone this hard working and talented is actually the same age as me, if not younger by several months. You were born in August, correct?”

“I- yeah, but’s that-"

Lucas reaches out to seize both of Mark’s hands, causing Mark to drop his chopstick in the process. Wrapping those long, warm fingers around Mark’s palms, Lucas pulls him slightly forward until both of them are leaning over the table, squeezing. “It’s an honor to debut in the same unit as you, Mark Lee. It truly is.”

The way he says it, it’s so sincere, so genuine. Lucas keeps his gaze steady on Mark’s face, large, dark eyes shining with earnestness. There’s no denying his honesty, both in his eyes and voice. Admiration gilding his words, and each thing he says burns itself into Mark’s heart.

“Listen, I don’t know if any of them, your members, had spoken ill about you or your participation in this unit, but if they did, then they can burn themselves for all I care,” Lucas squeezes his hands harder, eyes blazing with purpose. “Or you can tell me, I’ll be more than happy to let them have a taste of this fist.” He clenches one fist as if to make his point, biting his lip and nodding vigorously.

Mark’s heart scrambles for the loss of heat around his hand. His throat is tight, his eyes sting, he almost sobs out a relieved sigh when Lucas clasps his hand again around Mark’s. Strong, fortifying. An anchor keeping him afloat from drowning in the sea of his fear.

“Because as far as I’ve heard, nobody has spoken a bad word about you. They all love you, Mark, they’re all worried you’re pushing yourself too hard. Sure they want you to rest, but it’s because they fear you’re running yourself to death, not because they,” he spits the next words with utter disgust. “Think you’re hogging all the attention or anything like that. They’re worried, just like you’re worried Taeyong-hyung is going to keel over himself with how hard he practices. You understand the difference, right?”

Lucas gives his hand a little shake, thumbs caressing the skin over Mark’s knuckle. Mark bites his bottom lip, his shaking eyes not having any courage to look at Lucas’ gaze head on. Too ashamed at his own idiocy because he knows, he knows it better than anyone else, that what Lucas was saying is true.

He has worked hard, too, he doesn't remember having any time he didn’t spend working, practicing. Polishing his skills until they’re gleaming smooth and leaving no dull spot to criticize.

He remembers hitting his slump, remembers growing frustrated over it, remembers crying himself to sleep in the practice room out of that frustration and had his manager carrying him home on his back. He remembers every single tear, sweat, and blood he had shed. Remembers the many nights he spent without sleep. Remembers the many physical pains he’d had to endure from his fatigue.

If he truly thinks hard work is the indicator, Mark cannot say either that he didn’t work as hard as anyone else. If any, he probably worked more. Then it is only for that he, Mark, got _rewarded_ with the spot in this unit. It’s only _fair_.

Nobody hates him, everyone is worried about him the same way they worry about Taeyong. If Mark thinks they’re hating him, then Mark is disrespecting them; his friends, his brothers. How dare he paint them as someone so petty? So cruel? They are all great people with the most beautiful hearts Mark has ever known. Thinking that they’re consumed with envy is an insult to their capability.

Mark knows them, they’re people who are strong enough to endure years of harsh training and competitive environment. They have come this far together not to have jealousy tarnishing their bond. They might be young, but Mark trusts them to be professional enough to accept their difference of _opportunities_.

Likewise, he should trust them, trust them not to put the blame on Mark and the chance they’re not privy to is out of Mark’s reach to control. He’s as helpless as they are in their situation, he’s not someone powerful enough to sway the opinions of the producers. He’s just one of their many investments, their products, and the higher ups are the one who c _ontrol_ him from above.

He is capable but even the strongest of Kings dies in the end. Mark is no King, just human, just barely starting twenty and he’s still got so much to learn.

Mark knows that all his worries are baseless. Mark knows that nobody blames him and think he should be replaced, not anybody who knows him personally. Mark knows this, he’s being silly, being stupid, but-

“I can’t say I understand what you’re feeling right now because I don’t. I’ve never been in your shoes to know. I think it’s stupid thing to keel over for, and I think you’re stupid for thinking like that, but, shit, how do I say this,” Lucas chews his lips, brows furrowing as he thinks, hard. Weighing each and every words as not to accidentally offend Mark.

Lucas is kind. So kind, and according to Ten, he is _good_ for Mark. Maybe this is it; his honesty, his frankness, his understanding and attention. Everything is so raw and unhidden, so open, bare and undecorated. It envelops Mark in a warm blanket of affection, and it makes Mark feel a lot better already. “Thank you,” Mark mumbles, voice shaky with emotion.

“I- it’s okay? You understand what I meant?” Hope rises in Lucas’ eyes, a rising sun. Encouraging, enlivening.

Mark nods, “you’re not so good at it, but, yes. Yes, I do. I understand. You didn’t mean bad. I get it. Totally.”

“Great!” Relief colors his features, “The point it; that’s not true. Nobody hates you. Stop doubting them and yourself. If you feel sorry for them then make sure this, this unit, us. Make sure it works, so when they finally got their chance to come back,”

“we already lay the ground for them.”

“Exactly! That’s it Mark. You know it already, I’m sure. You’re just, tired, probably. Your mind going places.”

Mark chuckles shyly, “right. I, maybe I’m just tired.”

“Bet you are. You and Taeyong-hyung, I wonder how you two can function sometimes. You barely rest,” Lucas makes a face that expresses both wonder and bewilderment, he looks comical enough to tease a laugh from Mark’s lips.

Lucas just watches him laugh, letting them drag all of Mark’s worry and malady in a series of quiet yet vibrant laughter. Mark feels silly, totally silly. Lucas is right; he’s just tired, and pressured, maybe. Usually, he’s not the type to dwell over his problems for long. He talks it out but this time, the people he usually talks to are not viable, so he hits a dead end. Turned out all he needs is someone else to talk to, someone else to be his friend, and that someone is Lucas with his broken Korean and encompassing heart.

“Better now?” The said boy asks, and he’s not grinning, he’s just smiling, lips slightly curved upward in one corner.

He is unbelievably handsome, in different way than Taeyong and Jaehyun are. Lucas is charming, boyish features and large eyes, easiness in his body language that speaks of fearless carelessness yet promise of a companion. He will take you somewhere, unknown but exciting, and he’ll never let you fall.

Lucas makes Mark’s heart flutter, both in gratitude and happiness, and then he realizes that the taller boy still has his hands around Mark’s, and it makes his heart flap helplessly in embarrassment.

Mark starts stuttering, “sorry! I didn’t-" he tries to retract his hands but Lucas surprises him by fastening his hold, pinning Mark to the spot with his level gaze, catching Mark’s breath short with that deep, rich timbre of his.

“It’s an honor to be with you, Mark,” he says, quiet, yet the emotion bedazzling his words speak volume. “It really is.”

Mark doesn’t think he’s even breathing for the next forty seconds or so, his brain too busy memorizing the intensity of Lucas’ gaze, the scorching heat of his skin on Mark’s own, and the earnestness of his statement in his heart, skin, and head.

It gets even more difficult to do so when Lucas cracks into a shy laugh, looking away from Mark with cheeks slightly pink, golden bangs hiding his too honest eyes. “God, that’s so cheesy of me.”

Mark forgets breathing, forgets air, forgets about the monster whispering in the back of his head, and fear that cripples his heart.

He forgets everything but Lucas. Lucas and his kind heart and mellifluous words and melodious smile. Lucas and his hands, too big and too hot on Mark’s own. Lucas, so brave and loud yet unbelievably shy at times.

Lucas. And Ten said Lucas will be _good_ for him. Mark thinks he knows why.

“Don’t tell anyone I said this, okay?” he’s practically begging, peeking at Mark from beneath his hair. They provide only a little protection, and Mark can see it all, like Lucas has seen that small, feeble part of Mark.

“Nah, don’t worry, won’t tell a soul about it,” Mark is in awe at himself for being able to sound so casual about it despite the erratic beating of his heart and the warmth tickling his face.

Lucas smiles at that, grateful. He is the sunflower, or maybe the sun himself.

And Mark thinks, he is - _thi_ s Lucas, is only for him to keep.

:::

That night, Mark goes home and barrels straight into Donghyuck, smothering the puzzled, unsuspecting boy in the biggest and tightest hug he has ever done.

Donghyuck is surprised of course, but he laughs either way, ruffling Mark’s hair and hugging him back while saying something like Mark is being fool, and silly, and a muttered, “glad you’re feeling better, Hyung.”

That night, Mark goes to bed feeling better than he’s ever been. He breathes easy, he sees Lucas in his head, feels Lucas’ searing touch on his skin, and his heart dances in a cadence of happiness at the thought of the taller boy.

That night, before a dream of summer days with the sun smiling high in the sky claims him, Mark tells himself it’s okay.

He doesn't have to pretend.


End file.
